LONG TIME

It's actually been 13 years since that last summer of our exchange-year. I remember that year and that last summer as, in a way, a distant dream. Somehow parallell to the rest of my life! And in another way as one of the most important years of my life. Somehow the one year I started to grow up. So did these last 13 years make me grow up?

In a way yes, I now experienced a bit more of life as a grown up. I finished high school back home. Those two last years of high school at home was actually also quite intense for me. I came back to my hometown. To my home. And I felt so much at home. In a way. It felt like nothing, really nothing happened, although me myself felt so changed and filled with energy. It was hard and I missed my exchange life. I loved seeing my old friends. I loved seeing my family and specially my grandmother who is a very special person in my life. I loved getting home to my dog! I loved getting back to school, just because I was so motivated to get on with my life. I also experienced so much pain. Because I was coming back to a family break up. My parents were getting divorced. My brother was doing his military service and was away both physically and mentally...in a way. In a way my world was falling a part. I felt like nobody really had the energy to listen and help me back to some sort of normal life. My loved grandmom was having problem with health. My life at home was in small parts wonderful and in big ways a life of yelling, conflicts and lots of tears. I started dividing my life into two parts. One wonderful last two years of high school, were I wanted to live life fully and enjoy it out loud. I did. One other part were I was trying to survive (emotionally) and not hurt and get hurt to much. I tried to write down my feelings just not to get crazy. Worked a bit!

After these two years I moved along to study 1300 km away from my hometown in the southern part of the country. Along with me I took a boyfriend, which I realized afterwards, was just because I didn't want to be lonely. Not a good base for a relationship, and I will not repeat that! We went different ways after a nasty break up from my side. Anyway. I struggled with the questions of the meaning with life and what I wanted to do of it. Somehow I've been through math studies, automation engineering, different boyfriends, different organisations and sports (actually even played soccer for a while.....that's just NOT me!) and ended up with knowing this was not what I really wanted. Quit University. Took a bunch of different only-in-it-for-the-money-jobs. Lived as a single and shared an old apartment with another girl in the central parts of our city. Went back to my passion from the exchange year -running. Started feeling happy and harmonic. Started working with IT-support. Met a boy I liked, but really didn't want to get involved. Got involved. Realized I wanted to work with system development. Moved in with that boy! Went back to University. Worked and studied. Studied and worked. Practiced long distance running. Started practice climbing. Quit my support job. Started looking for jobs I really, really wanted. Got one! Moved along to a totally new apartment with that same boy. And this is pretty much were you can find me now! Feeling really happy with life again! At least most of the days!

I've also been through a lot with my family. I now have a pretty good relationship with all of them. Wasn't always like that these last 13 years. I went through the death of my grandfathers. And my special grandmother passed away the days before my 30th birhtday. But I've also went through amzing years with these people and my grandmom that always been supporting me and my brother and learned me so much about a lot, specially love. I've got amazing friends that actually stuck with me through my confused years were I've partly been, I guess, strange. I've started to relax and accept myself more and more. I've started learning croatian, since my boyfriend comes from Croatia and I want to be able to speak the language when we're there visiting! I also just love learning stuff in general and about new cultures and people specially. Never lost that curiosity! I actually asked my boyfriend if we could go and live in Croatia for a couple of years...he's not as excited about it, but anyway! Guess if the economy of the country were a bit better...

To finish this. Did I grow up? In a way yes, because I've been through some more of life and know a bit more of who I am. But in another way no, because I've never quit dreaming and playing and learning. And I guess I will never ever be really finished with who I really am! And in that way never really grow up totally...

Getting back to here and now. It's evening. It's swedish summer. It's raining and really windy outside. I gotta go to work tomorrow. AND: most exciting right now -in not even two days JAN and his girlfriend will arrive here! And I haven't seen him in all those years. (Only ones from our year I've met afterwards is Virginie and Valerie. Virginie -come over to the west coast and visit!)

I'll be back here writing again. Hope you guys would write something as well!
So long...to steal the words of Jan:
Hang on,
Petra